Can I use they to tell people I’m working it out?

Anonymous asked:

Hey there! I was born a female but at the moment I’m struggling a bit with gender identity. For example, one day I’ll feel like a boy, the next I’ll feel like a girl.mI’m not sure on what my gender is yet and I was wondering if while I am still figuring things out should I use they/them pronouns or stick with the she/her pronouns?

Hello Anonymous!

I think that many people have an experience of being fluid – of feeling like one thing one day, and something else the next day, and something else after that. Even folks who are cis-gender are extremely diverse in their gender expressions and ways of being/living in the gender they were assigned, and eventually find some sort of consistency. People on the transgender spectrum also tend to find greater and greater consistency and eventually find their own more-or-less stable place. While you are in the process of feeling things out, I think that they/them could be very helpful and give you some freedom from others’ expectations, or at least signal that others’ expectations might be unwelcome. I’ve written about this here as follows:

“What I want is a free pass from any and all assumptions about my ideas, work, play, hobbies, habits, life trajectory, plans, partners, underpants, decor preferences, beverages…you get the idea. I want an out from being over-determined by other people. It’s like “ok, so I don’t want to do girl things…but that also means that I might not want to do boy things either!” I want to be picky and choosy and difficult. In a perfect world – and I naively try to live like it’s already here – using ‘they’ would be a wake-up call to someone that gender will not help them relate to me, understand me, or make small talk with me at an awkward party.”

One thing to keep in mind, though, is that people tend to believe that once we have changed a pronoun and asked them to do the hard work of changing, THAT IS IT – that’s who we are. We have ‘finally decided’ or ‘finally arrived’ or ‘found ourselves’ or something, which is certainly not always the case for many trans, non-binary or genderqueer people (and many cis people too). So, be ready for people to draw conclusions and want something final from your choice even if you are using they/them/their to represent being in process. I might suggest alerting those who you care about and who you want to have address you with they/them/their that this is a gesture of fluidity now, not stability!

Hope that helps, and write back,


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