“Hello!! I am a cis girl and have always felt like a girl 100% of the time. I’ve never questioned my gender, but they pronouns seems very comforting and I was thinking about using them in addition to she. I identify very strongly with she.. but I also am thinking I find comfort in they, and I was wondering. Am I stepping over certain bounds? Am I abusing something by doing this? And if it turns out I don’t feel comfy with they anymore? Think you could help me out? :((“
Hi there turtlesnapp! Thank you so much for asking!
My personal opinion (all I’ve got) is that people choose to use gender-neutral pronouns for the very reason that you articulate with regard to your own situation: comfort. I know people of many different stripes, who use a variety of identity terms and understand their genders in many different ways, who would prefer that others use a gender-neutral mode of address when referring to them.
There is so much diversity among trans* and gender non-conforming folks that there cannot be a stable boundary to step over. I’m sure that many people would suggest keeping in mind the different barriers faced by people who are not cis-gendered and use gender-neutral pronouns. One example could be the (potentially) greater ease of people who can be choosey about when to request their chosen pronoun and when to go with whatever people are using for them, in the interest of safety or just getting by. To the extent that you feel safe and able, I would suggest using your evolving experiences as a ‘they’ user to be a vocal ally to other (and particularly trans*) users and educate those around you. Many of us don’t feel safe doing this work, and if you find that your identifying as cis-gendered gives you more opportunities to do so – which it very well may not depending on your circumstances – please carry it forward as best you can.
I’m confident that requesting gender-neutral pronouns will change how you are received, questioned and engaged by others – keep in touch!
Hope this helps,